感情的事，一直以来都是似懂非懂。

我以为我变得更成熟了。我错了。

感情的事，我还是一只呆头鹅。

This entry officially marks the end of my summer vacations. And I guess it will be most probably the last entry I will ever type on this page I guess.

In the future, most likely I will start another blog at the somewhere else, but that will most probably be in a few month's time.

And most likely I will start another blogpage uploading Ben & Cal 's productions. Details have not been finalized yet. I am still trying to get Chicken's consent about the productions....but with school's starting and all, I wonder if I'll have the time to do so. Several clips had already been made but yet to be edited. So we'll see how things go. If it's up, it will be on my facebook info page... =D

A chapter closes, and another begins. I hope that whoever is reading this, good luck in your future endeavors.

All the best. To all those out there.

And to me.

Due to yesterday's incident, had a vivid dream related to that, and it doesn't exactly make my morning enjoyable at all.

In the end had to resort to visiting the gym to let out some steam, and things had gone pretty ok, except for the fact that after watching some shows on scv the negative emotions came back.

No choice but to go for another 5km run in the evening, and at the same time trying to sort out my feelings.

Things got sorted out, and I sort of came to a decision. And now after that is done, all should be fine, but the negative feeling is somehow lingers within.

But on a positive prospect, I have completed the first part of my finalized 说了再见 piano piece. The mood was absolutely there, so might as well dun let it go to waste. This type of inspiration isn't good to have it often.

-out-

25th August Cold weather

I thought tonight is just going to be another normal mundane night where I continue to procrastinate my time away with bejeweled and watching facebook videos posted by my other friends. However, I was wrong.

Upon signing in MSN, I noticed Miss Z is feeling exceptionally emo today. How I happen to know? Just treat it as I tend to notice minor details in which people overlooked, resulting in me noticing stuffs which are both good or bad. Not that I am paying particular attention to that person of course. And her MSN nick is right on top few on my list, so its kinda hard not to see.

Before I continue, allow me to explain my relationship with Z. I do admit that I have feelings towards her, and after a couple of weeks of self-reflection I have finally settled down internally that my feelings towards her will always be like that of between siblings. And other than her I treat Miss S and Miss A equally as well, since I too treat them like my own sister, nothing more. And as a sister I will treat the same as Hm, Bean and gang. For instance, the Hm-YR incident at the pavilion/playground; the beer drinking session with bean at pavilion(different pavilion); inviting David on purpose for more social gatherings to divert his attention away from his current sticky situation(even thou it ends up in failure)-- I guess these are the things I will do for my close friends ba. So in short, my feelings for Z is classified till that level, nothing more.

Back to the story-- I drove down to her house, reached there and smsed her whether she is interested in having supper. I have considered the options then. If she agrees, then we can go timah there have supper, and maybe a HTHT there, and I can clarify my feelings as well. If she rejects, then I'll just drive off. I'll need a spin around anyway to sort out some other feelings.

Of course, the " I happen to be at your house downstairs" is a super lousy excuse, and the reason for not telling directly is because i think its due to my ego, and of course there is another 老贼尼 reason in which I dun wan to disclose.

In the end, I drove back home since she'd felt like sleeping.

The end.

Actually, the reason why I wanted to sms her when I reached her place is because I wanted to think this out-- the pros and cons of doing so. I am not trying to be a ridiculous savior of some sort, nor am I trying to be a knight in a shining white armor in which is trying to help a damsel in distress. I mean, most probably this is due to the fact that she always try to cheer people up whenever she is around-- and I do hope that I can do something for her when she is down.

But come to think of it, if she doesn't even confide it to her close friends, what am I to her anyway?

And after all this the backlash I'm afraid I have created is 1. More misunderstanding that I wanted to go on a relationship with her. 2. Impose greater pressure upon her.

But the above 2 points are just my opinion, and I do hope that I am just thinking too much. I just hope I can clarify someday.

On additional note, this incident reminds me of that night as well. I was so afraid that history will repeat itself, but I think I insisted on doing so since what's going to happen is going to happen, and there is no chance of avoiding. But still I am glad everything ends this way.

After all, one thing I have learned during this summer break is this: Facing an incident and doing something will only allow you to move forward and learn, be it right or wrong. Doing nothing, and you will only stay on that pathetic spot, still trying to figuring out right from wrong. I am glad that I have done that, despite the implications I've created.

After all these, I do hope that Z 1. Will have enough strength to pick herself up

2. Please do not find me despo after this incident. I am not.

And yup I dun think she'd ever be reading this entry over here. Unless the cow rises from the west and jumps over the sun.

-out-

1. A driver who on the hazard light and stopped in a middle of a T junction inside my carpark. Had to mount curb reluctantly to avoid scratching our cars. But failed. Signaled him repeatedly to move his vehicle forward a little for my car to go pass. Ignored. Scrolled down the windscreen and furiously requested him to move forward. Must have forgot to put his T-plate on.

2. A driver who stopped the car in the middle of the lane without switching on the hazard light. Was wondering what is he doing.

3. A lorry driver who tends to drift from his own lane. Nearly hit the railing at road shoulder, then at the connector linking BKE and SLE, which was a 2 way lane, hogging in the middle of a lane. A SUV tried to overtake from the right, and was compelled to jam the brakes. As for me, I quickly distanced myself 100 metres away. Either he was dozing off, or he was drunk.

4. A driver who cuts 3 lanes straight at 140km/h. Overtook me when I was already at 100km/h. Simply scary.

Morale of the story: Drive safely, and sensibly.

Tiger was discharged on the day of operation, which was today. Things went pretty smoothly; having the lump removed without the removal of its toe and she was as good as new. Except for the fact that she is still tired after the operation.

In short, I was feeling almost as if the sky is clearing up. If only the malay lady did not shut me out of the office of finance when I was pushing the door open using the CLOSED sign as an excuse. Have to make another trip down soon. How rude.

This morning woke up early to bring Tiger to see the vet. It seems that there is infection of some sort. Turns out that she had a high fever--39 degrees. No wonder she looked so frail. The lump on her leg seems to be growing, and my mum seems to be relying on her all-wonder cure milk powder to cure the lump. Even though I have much to comment regarding that, I guess I'll leave it since it isn't nice of me to pour cold water on her.

Back to the lump-- in the end it seems that the lump needs to be removed asap, but the catch is that upon given anesthesia there will be likelihood that the dog will go into a coma for good, which is something like euthanasia. Her liver has been failing too, and due to old age (12 years and 7 months) these are the things that reduces the chances of her waking up.

I wonder if the lump should have been removed like years ago, when it is still small. That time it was my elder sister who called the shots, since she was there with my Dad at the vet. However if that was done then, then it might not have been running and hopping around the house for the next few years.

Doing the surgery now might involve cutting away one of its toes. And to think that my mum and sis's reaction would be " cut lor, since it is like no use lidat". I was pretty taken aback. Perhaps perception between them and me is so different. I guess its back on the issue of animal rights.... but shouldn't discuss about it here. I looked back, and wondered who was the one who insisted on having a pet then. And looking now, it seems that the responsibility seems to be pushed around. Yet there isn't anything that I can say out loud, since I myself is also at fault for failing to take the initiative to care. After all, among the 3 puppies that we have owned, only JoJo the one in which I was more inclined towards went missing around 10 years ago. Since then it seems that my care towards the dogs had been lessened to some extent.

Back to the story-- the surgery is scheduled on next monday, it somehow I do feel pretty disheartened in a way or another, after all it was her who "sit" by me when I was feeling down. However, matters of life and death-- there is little room for us to intervene, isn't it? What is inevitable, will only be the inevitable. Fancy deciding such matters on Black Friday; what an omen this is.

Enough of the dog.

Last night I had a conversation with Colinson again. Told him that I finally decided to give up again. Difference was that last time I tried and I gave up, and this time I gave up without trying. Which makes me think if really am I that lack of confidence in myself. But of course, when relationships comes into play, other factors needs to be taken into consideration as well...and I feel that there is no point at all to even start a lost cause. And then he asked me " Do you feel disappointed, or relief?"

"Relief".

I do not know why I answered that. Perhaps letting go was a salvation for me to progress on, instead of being tied down to the boulder. I mean, that was what I really felt then upon facing this problem.

Thereafter he broke the news to me regarding the things happening on his side. Congratulations to him for finally embarking on a new relationship. Thereafter proceeded to browsing fb photos of her, talking which of her photos are nice and so on...hahaz.

Among so many friends Colin perhaps is the one being most similar to who I am. If he can finally embark on this new path, I wonder if I ever can too. I guess the answer to that....only time will tell.

I hope this entry on Black Friday shall be considered the last "emo" entry I have entered. As of late too many emotional things had been happening around me, and there are many things going through my mind. Time to settle down and focus on the path ahead, and conclude this period of nightmare once and for all!

-out-

Anyway, today during fishing, I've got a bite, but somehow the string snapped and the fish got away with my bait. The sensation is almost as if I had lost a close game of Dota. And then it struck me that I am someone who doesn't like to lose. I mean, I do know this feeling...but to identify and accept it as part of my innate personality is never easy.(That is why there are lost people who couldn't really pin-point how they are feeling with regards to certain people). The reason I quit Dota was that I do not like the feeling of losing, and I do not want that build-up of negative energy which may affect my judgement pertaining to other issues in life.

This is definitely different from being competitive, for competitive characterizes someone who always want to win, but for me it is to avoid losing. It is like different objectives in businesses; some kept looking for ways to earn a profit, while there are others trying to minimize their losses. I belong to the latter.

Having said that, when it comes to relationships, I noticed a similar trend which existed. Sometimes it is hard for people to forgo a relationship-- perhaps it is not the reason that one still loves the other. Perhaps the reason is because after all that is done for her, and all that effort gone to waste. Once again, a similar feeling of losing comes into play. And from there that is when things get rather....extreme. Saying this is easy, but identifying this trend within oneself requires much objectivity(after all, the one is suffering the blow ultimately), and also much courage and EQ to admit this as well.

So much for the things of the past. Now for the present-- I guess not thinking of the problem helps to a certain extent. Thinking of the possibilities in the future would mean thinking of her--which makes it harder for one to accept the fact that things are impossible between the 2. At least, with the illness kicking in and my adventurous spirit comes into play, I guess I may be able to keep my mind occupied till school reopens, before the brain-draining tutorials starts to rain upon me once again. I guess my heart is gradually beginning to accept the fact, and started to move on, which is definitely a good thing at this point in time.

If she and I are fated to be, why even bother? What come may.

-out-

I am supposed to be planning about the things I have to do for the next few weeks, but it seems that my affections have been giving me much trouble lately. In addition of the series of food poisoning, migraine, sore throat and flu, I am not exactly in the best condition to sort of my thinking clearly.

Lately I am indeed pretty troubled with matters at heart, but to be more exact, it is rather due to the fact that my heart somehow doesn't want to accept what my brain has come out with. Therefore I finally seek advise from a few of my friends and it seems that ultimately, nothing will come out from all of this. And this time, instead of doubting this statement all over again, perhaps I will try to accept it as a fact. Perhaps it will make my life simpler. =D

-out-